Those of you that know me, know that small girl with the cheerful smile. The one who cares too much about everyone and every thing. That one with the small zoo that admits free entry through the front door; that just so happens to also be her home. What you don’t know is that I’ve carried a dark secret for most of my life.

Those of you that think you know me know only what I want you to. You know the mask I put on each morning after I’ve managed to drag my worthless arse out of bed; that same mask that I take off before I lay awake for hours trying to find a little piece of sleep that comes so easily to many, and not at all to some; or that’s taken off when she’s alone because her animals are the only ones who will not judge the tears that stain her cheeks.

That’s the problem with depression - it’s silent. It’s often hidden behind a smile worn so often it’s been perfected down to the last fine line. You see, there comes a point in the life of those whom wear the façade, when you stop searching for the comfort you so desperately yearn for. A time you realise that no one really does care; because everyone is so consumed in their own lives to stop and notice that you are trapped.

Within that moment you become trapped – that exact moment, you lose your will to live; and thoughts turn from, “Why do I do this?”, “I just want someone to talk to.”, or “Why don’t they ever ask me to come to get togethers?” to “I wonder if they’d notice I was even gone.”, “Is there a chance I’d survive that?” and even “I could just swallow the box, it’d be easy.”

You are trapped in your own self. Trapped in the darkness of your daily life. Conversations grow thin, friendships dwindle, hobbies become frail attempts to disappear for a time that is never long enough, and darkness consumes your being.

But this is not the darkness you know when you simply turn off a light. This darkness is so vast it is constricting. It strangles you until you succumb to its will – and you’re totally alone here. It becomes your bubble. You’re little force field from the world; where no one can hurt you anymore.
The mask moulds to your skin and it’s suffocating you; but you no longer care enough to pry it from your face each night.

I woke at 1:04am with this is my mind. I wrote it down immediately. This is the time I realised I was losing the fight.


Fortunately for me, I can’t finish that story; but there are many who have and many more who will. I was lucky enough to realise something – You are not alone in the darkness. There are people within that hell, people standing right beside you, but it is far too dark to see them. So you must scream for them. Use your voice. Reach for the asphyxiating grip of dwindling calignosity and pry it just enough to breathe. Stop and breathe.



I was in that darkness for far longer than I care to remember. I was drowning in the silence as it consumed me more and more each day; I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed a reprieve. I needed air in my lungs or for a means to just end the pain. So I screamed- and I was met by the voice of another.  There was someone in the darkness with me – but what surprised me was, there was not only one, but many, many more.


Do not hide your depression; it is not as rare a sickness as you believe it to be. Do not judge others before you know them, truly. You know you wear your mask well; but so do they. They don’t care for you? Maybe they did, they just stopped long ago because you wear your mask too tight – just as they do now.
I know you, you don’t care for your own life, but you’d do anything to save another? Save hers. Save his. Scream and don’t stop. Never stop. Let them know they are not alone in that darkness. Find them and hold their hand. Hold it tightly and move. It doesn’t matter what direction, just move. Stop and breathe; but move.

And you there, the one in the light. I haven’t forgotten about you, forever bathing in the golden glow of life; don’t give up on those that fall into darkness. You may not understand why they are there or how they are there, but you don’t need to. Just throw your hand into the black hole and reach for them; but remember – in the darkness you are blind. It might take some time to find your friend again; but don’t give up. Don’t ever lose hope.

I was lucky enough to have people in the light that never gave up on me when all I had was darkness; when all I knew was darkness; people I never thought I existed. People that never stopped caring, even when I did. It takes three little words to shower some one in your embrace – “Are you okay?”
They might answer in the way you’d expect – “Yeah, I’m fine.” But they’re not fooling you!
You know they’re not; and each time you embrace them, that mask cracks. So ask and ask again; because the darkness moves fast and the mask is quick to repair.

Remember - the darkness is cunning, it is sly and it works slowly at first. It will consume them slowly and then eat them all at once. If you notice a change in a person around you - embrace them; be swift and vigilant, Angel of Light; for the darkness is all around and it is silent and it is deadly. So very deadly.