I cant put this on facebook, dad will see and i dont want him hurt. I have the need to get it all out today because two years on so much has changed and your still gone, never to return.

I remember Tom ringing me, how hard it probably was on him, you'd stopped off briefly on the sunday but they werent home, sometimes i wonder if they were, maybe you might have found that one lasting barrier of support that might have stopped the spiral. Though really I understand that feeling of clarity, that thats it.

Id like to think I was just sorry to see someone go but i feel guilty. guilty that you took to the noose and I stopped before i could do it. Maybe I just didnt have the lasting effort to do it but you did..people say your cowardice for doing it but i think it took more courage to face death in the eyes. noone understands, not unless theyve been there and done that, let their ego shy away. There is no resolve. I guess overall im guilty because i am thankful, for the pain i saw in people's eyes, the aching through tones of voices..im guilty of being glad that the resulting tidal wave of your suicide stopped me from finishing what i had intended to do. I look at my niece and i know how precious this experience is, how montaya will never have that now.

I have scars now, ive still fallen into traps but im trying to manage. I finally visited your site after gregs funeral, a bit too close to home i guess. I cant visit chase so i live through his music but overall I dont know any other way to remember you. I still cant think about bowling at amf, i guess its so i dont lose the one memory i have. I remember how excited you were to go back to germany, how we talked about having you as a groomsman at our wedding.

I know Tom cancelled last night plans because he didnt feel well last night, i know its his heart hurting but i cant mend it because i know in a way its not meant to be. but oh if i could turn back time. we never know what life would hold and perhaps it was your time after all, im sure if you were here in body you'd be wowing the pants off the world. your smile was infectious, your love glistened.

I miss you Chris xo